A painfully honest story of gender disappointment
For the past year, the thing I wanted most in my life was another child. Never thought I’d see the day, but here we are.
On the morning of April 21, I was low key aware that it was supposed to be the last day of my cycle, and as instructed by my doctor, I am supposed to test on this day if we are trying to conceive.
We had been kind of trying over the past year, but not really “correctly,” I’ll say. Pregnancy doesn’t just happen for people with PCOS. It’s a calculated game of medication, timing, cycles of disappointment and prayers to the universe or God or whatever you believe in.
But that morning, I almost didn’t take the test. It was an expensive digital one, and I didn’t want to waste it on yet another negative result. However, though I’m not sure why I decided to, I took it anyway.
When I haphazardly glanced at the result, almost pitching the test before even really reading it - my heart jumped into my throat. Double take. What? Are you serious?
This was the first time in my life ever getting a positive result on an at-home pregnancy test. I didn’t think it was possible due to my hormonal imbalances, but there it was, staring me in the face. My hands began trembling immediately. I couldn’t believe it. Good things don’t happen to me like this, I’m not ever surprised by anything.
Everything in my life is controlled and calculated, so why was I so blindsided? Didn’t care. I was too fucking elated.
Fast forward. I knew before I even got pregnant that I would do a Sneak Peak early gender DNA test. It’s a blood test you can take at home to determine if there is a Y chromosome in the fetal DNA (indicating male gender). It claims to be 99.1% accurate at just 8 weeks.
Come 8 weeks and 1 day, I couldn’t wait any longer. I wanted to surprise my family and I had to know. Rob having a daughter from a previous relationship, and a daughter with me, I wanted nothing more than to give him a son.
Despite his sake, I had always imagined myself with a baby boy ever since I began imagining myself with children at all. Hell, I’ve even had the name picked out since like 8th grade.
Even with Kora, I experienced some degree of gender disappointment because I didn’t think I’d be a good mother to a girl. Sure, I was wrong. She’s awesome. She’s the best friend I never had, my mini me, my sidekick. There was always, “okay, well maybe the next one then.” But now.....this was it. This is the next one. The last one.
He told me this was it. He doesn’t want any more kids. He’s not getting any younger and I knew my time was running out the longer I went without getting pregnant. The first time I was just disappointed, but this time its a whole other type of anticipation because this is it. This is my last chance for my baby boy.
I mailed out my sample Thursday at noon, and at about 8 p.m. Friday, the e-mail popped up in my junk folder. Good thing I check that religiously. “Your results are in!”
I’m a natural born cynic, I try harder than hell not to get my hopes up about anything, but this...there was only one “right” answer.
I held my breath and opened it.
“Congratulations, you’re having a baby GIRL!”
The color pink encompassed the whole e-mail, laughing in my face.
No...
This isn’t what is suppose to happen. This isn’t right. This can’t be right. I’ve never felt so wronged by the universe in my entire life. I’ve never had something happen to me that felt so out of place and just did not make sense, it didn’t fit. The cognitive dissonance made my brain want to explode, but at the same time, here comes the cynic.
“You should have known.”
“This is your luck.”
“Too good to be true.”
Immediately, my brain tries to rationalize. I start trying to figure out ways this test could be wrong. Could I be so lucky to have fallen in the 0.9%? Maybe I took the test too early, maybe they just couldn’t detect the Y chromosome.
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
Maybe I will only ever be a “girl mom.”
Yuck.
Doesn’t feel right. I’m not a girl mom. I’ve literally never gotten along or fit in well with girls, I don’t understand how I could only ever be a girl mom.
How will another girl follow Kora? How can I love her as much as Kora? What the FUCK am I going to name her?
This is next level disappointment. This isn’t your average gender disappointment this is gender devastation. Am I being dramatic? Maybe. You can judge me all you want. You can say I should just be grateful that I’m even pregnant, especially considering the fact that I have PCOS.
I should be grateful I can carry to term. “As long as the baby is healthy,” right?
Or even better, “you can’t handle a boy.”
What a great thing to say to someone in my position, isn’t it?
I’m not a piece of shit for being disappointed. I’m not ungrateful or undeserving of this baby. I’m just mourning a loss of a dream I’ve had for like, half of my god damn life.
Not only am I feeling devastated by this news and now have to wrap my head around it, I’m not going to let myself or anyone pile some guilt on top of it.
I wanted a boy, but with Rob, I wanted a boy even more. I wanted him to have the chance to be the father every son deserves - the father HE deserved. I think he needed a boy just as much if not more than I did. However, he didn’t seem as disappointed as I was. Unless he’s just better at hiding it.
There is still a chance of the result being wrong, as I took it very early on. I have done some research, read some reviews of false girl results and they are fairly common enough with the at-home tests, but for now, I need to come to terms with it.
I’ll update after the 3D gender determination ultrasound on July 10 that will either confirm or deny this result. So until then...girl mom it is.
